Some Parent Conference Pointers (For Parents)

The most important part of the conference is the ride home in the car.

It is important to approach your child in a positive way. Even if the conference was discouraging or disappointing to you, a punishing or faultfinding attitude on your part is not going to be part of the solution.

Parent conferences are one of the more valuable parts of your child's educational experience. I can recall being a young teacher and meeting the parents of my students. The wonderful people I met over the years amaze me. I, like many other teachers, have stories of enlightening conferences that allowed me the privilege of gaining insight into a child's life and background. Like other teachers, I sat and waited for the parents of a struggling student hoping to meet an ally who could help me engage this child in a meaningful way. The parents who did not attend the conferences sometimes told me more about the child than those folks who dutifully attended. In short, there is nothing you can do that will encourage your children and ensure success more than to be an involved partner in their education.

To enhance your conference experience, be prepared. Ask your child how school is going. Your student has a pretty good idea of whether he understands the material and is completing homework and keeping up in class. See if he has any concerns that he wants you to bring up. However, save the really heavy-duty problems for another time when the teacher is not so pressed for time. It is also a good idea to take a pen and paper along to take some notes. Just like any other important meeting, it is easy to forget to ask about something you wanted to know.

Please introduce yourself to the teacher. Even if you have met her before, she may not recall your name. I can't tell you the panic that grips a teacher's heart at the end of a long day of conferences when a parent says that they are Jimmy's mom and dad and you draw a total blank.

"Hi, we are Jim Smith's parents Mary and Tom," not only identifies you and your child but also gives the teacher an opportunity to switch gears from the previous conference and focus on you.
Here are some questions that you might ask the teacher.

• Is my child respectful?
• Does he or she listen carefully and follow directions?
• Is homework completed?
• Does my child participate?
• How can I help?
• If I need to contact you, how can I do that?

The most important part of the conference is the ride home in the car. It is important to approach your child in a positive way. Even if the conference was discouraging or disappointing to you, a punishing or faultfinding attitude on your part is not going to be part of the solution. Chances are that your child has a pretty good idea that things may not have gone so well, and your child is probably anxious to hear what the teacher had to say. Returning home with a positive attitude is most productive for your child. This is a prime opportunity for you to become part of the solution rather than someone who is criticizing.

More specifically, always catch your child being good. Begin your comments with something positive. Be conscious that you are very important in your child's life and that your approval is necessary. Shouting, finding faults and punishing simply lower self-esteem. First, praise. Find something good to say, then plan with your child how to remediate problems. Substitute the plan for punishment. Let the plan fit the problem. Remember that when we as adults "blow our top" when we are frustrated with our children we actually feel better because we release some of our tension. However, many things said in anger can remain with a child a long time and can harm your relationship with your child.

For example, if you are upset that your child talks too much in the classroom and interrupts the teacher, formulate a plan to help him manage behavior and be responsible for his actions. You may decide to tell him to sit in the front of the room (you'll need teacher cooperation for this to happen, of course). He may have a Post-It note on his desk that says, "Quiet!" There are also behavior cues that a student can give himself to maintain control. The plan should fit the problem and to ground your child for the weekend for bad behavior in school does nothing about the conduct in school except build resentment. Instead, teaching him self-control by spending an hour in the evening quietly reading and teaching him to calm down and be patient is much more productive.

It's important that you start off on the right foot with your children's teacher, be supportive of what she is trying to accomplish with your students, and look for ways you can form a collaboration and an alliance. Establish some goals for your child, and by all means keep it positive and not confrontational.

Linda Olsen
Linda Olsen has taught high school English for 25 years. She was a high school guidance counselor for 9 years. She has a master's degree in clinical counseling and has been an adolescent mental health therapist. Her comments are based on theory, experience and common sense. Material for this column is prepared in collaboration with our own team of Dubuque School District Guidance Counselors. Any specific information regarding your students or teachers should be directed to your school building's counselor.